I worry for my sanity.
As a highly-competitive person, I don’t want to feel unaccomplished. Specifically, I don’t want to get to the point where I have not attained what I set out to accomplish. It feels like I have made yet another mistake in deciding how I would “get there”. Instead of moving close to where it is, it feels like I’ve deviated from my intended path without knowing it.
I think that if I will never be accomplished in life like I have planned, I will lose it.
I worry about the time.
It feels like I’m running out of it. Worse, I’m starting to feel like I don’t have it anymore. It’s like I’ve reached the limit for what I can attain, career-wise, and that I should now be “settling in”.
I am not ready. I have yet to be the person I want to be at my age. I will still be changing jobs; I’m not yet at the job I aspire to have. I keep trying to open opportunities, because they don’t just happen. I have to make the effort to create them. Still, I’m nowhere where I think I should be.
That’s another thing. I feel jealous.
Why do other people get the things I want to have? Despite having what I would die to attain, they waste the opportunities and resources given to them. They waste their talents. They waste their chances. They waste the life that was given them.
I, on the other hand, ponder: What if I had what they had? What if, instead of giving them the talents and opportunities, GOD gave them to me instead? I wouldn’t waste them; I will most definitely treasure them. What they have and what they wastefully take for granted are those I will take care of.
I deserve them more. I know I do. But why so far away?