Hurting Silently

This is one of the most sorrowful days of my life.

It is October 1st, the start of a new month—supposedly the start of something new. But I cannot feel happy knowing that Christmas is just around the corner, or feel any other moods of excitement. This morning, I discovered that my two beloved kittens were sprawled, cold, bloodied, and lifeless on the ground, just beside their sleeping spot.

In the first week of July, my only remaining household kitten, Agatha, died. The cause of death was never known. We just saw her lying lifeless on the ground one morning. There was no blood and she had a feeling of receding warmth, meaning she just died. I was saddened but I kind of expected it. She was having bowel problems and was not as perky as usual kittens are. She was born in May.

Fortunately, in the middle of the same month that Agatha died, the household mother cat, Kitty II, gave birth to three adorable kittens. In August, one kitten, a purely black colored one, was eaten either by her mother or full grown brother. It was just as well because the said kitten was weak and did not live up to her sisters. So the remaining two went on and grew to be healthy and active.

I had a blast playing with the two kittens. I was able to tame them, so they were never afraid to approach me every time I was in the house. They would even look for me when I wasn’t around by meowing out loud. In the second week up to the fourth week of September, I had run out of job orders so I had a three-week vacation, which I spent with my kittens. It was one of the best three weeks ever. I discovered that these kittens adored my feet. Whenever I was around, they would scuffle below my legs and lie on top of my feet. We would do this every afternoon—they would sleep on my toes while I would sit in a squatting position, watching them. At times, they would climb up to my lap and sleep there instead. In those three weeks, I took pictures and even videotaped them through my cell phone camera.

I’m glad I took memories of them. I wasn’t expecting that they would be gone so soon. They’re just little kittens…

We figured that the kittens were bitten by a dog. Their necks looked like they were bitten, and there was a small puddle of blood on the ground next to their bodies. They had a look of terror on their faces—both eyes and mouth opened. It was painful that they died. It was painful that both of them died. It was painful that they had a horrible, violent death. It IS very painful imaging the pain and shock that they had to endure before dying.

Last night in bed, I heard some meows from the kittens. It sounded like the ordinary meows that they make when fighting each other, so I just ignored it. If only I hadn’t been such a dolt and gone down to check on them. If only I knew that a dog was there, taking away the lives of my kittens. Now, this one careless mistake will haunt me. It feels exactly the same as wanting to go back in time to the point before that gruesome moment and actually secure them in a safer place.

They make me laugh...
They make me laugh…

As we discovered them this morning, I was just about to go to work. Me and my mother promptly wrapped them up and buried them. I felt neither shock nor sorrow at the incident back then. On my way to the office, the pain started to creep in. When I arrived, I couldn’t concentrate on my tasks. I was barely able to meet my deadline. I hurried back home. Not because I was anxious to see my kittens’ sleeping spot, but because the tears wanted to come out. All throughout the day, I’ve been hurting silently. So this is how it feels. You want to cry, to release every pain, but you can’t because people around you wouldn’t understand. That’s what I need right now—someone to understand. I can’t find someone who understands the bond that is created between a newly born pet and its owner. I’m trying to cope with this recent reality, and I’m doing really badly.

Now that I think about it, I figure I was given a three-week off time from work to enjoy the company of my kittens. GOD knew that they wouldn’t last long. HE also knew that I loved their company, so HE made a way for us to play together. Play together. Now, I have no one to play with. No critters would come running towards me every time I came home. No critters would ever look for me again. The spot where my kittens slept is one of the areas in my home where I hang out. It is now a lonesome place. Silent. No life at all. An empty space. I would be sitting there all alone—imaging that the kittens are sleeping on my feet.

I was informed at work that my application for a part-time job with another company was approved. It would seem that my kittens’ lives were the payment for such an opportunity. See, there is an idea where everything you desire has a price. You want something, give something in return. But I don’t want to believe this “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” theory. I would like to see these events as purely coincidental and are not in any way related. Someone, help me.

But I will surely miss my kittens. I will never forget the fun times we spent, especially the times when they made me laugh through their cat antics. I value those who are able to make me laugh. And I will always ask for their forgiveness for being such a careless master. I’m so sorry that they were under my sloppy care.

Death should be something to be celebrated. It signifies a new beginning for the deceased creature. It shouldn’t be like…this…silently painful.

I'm already missing them...
I’m already missing them…
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Published by

Recis Dempayos

Budding YouTuber / vlogger, occasional blogger, aspiring multimedia artist.

4 thoughts on “Hurting Silently”

  1. I’m quite late but I’m so sorry for what happened to your kittens. Like you, we’ve also had cats in our house, 2 scheming stray cats who live with us without prior notice 🙂 They aren’t adorable (for me 🙂 but I keep feeding them. They sometimes piss me off but when I think of them being just like us, humans, getting hit, starved or whatever, I can’t help feeling so sorry for them and can’t help regretting every cruel thing I sometimes did to them. Mama, even some of my relatives, jokingly threatened me that they’re gonna throw those cats away, far from our house, but I objected. I was once strangely hurt when one of my cousins did that. I don’t know where he put away that injured cat we had years ago. I was partly mad at him. I don’t like cats but I don’t like it where they’re mistreated,even the bad ones.

    1. Hey again!

      It’s okay, I’ve moved forward already. Thanks very much for your sympathy.

      I have two new kittens! And I will definitely take good care of them.

      Isn’t it just heart-breaking when people mistreat animals? And domesticated animals at that! So when the news of a woman throwing kittens in the garbage and of another woman throwing puppies in a river/lake broke out, I was totally enraged! The animals were so young! They could have humanely handled them if they didn’t want them but no, they mistreated them.

      By the way, so sorry what happened to your injured cat. Although it was a stray, you did still care for it.

      Cheers!

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